Tonight, we say goodbye to another year and step into 2022. Normally, I love New Year’s Eve. I love the symbolism of it all. The clean slate. The optimism. The collective feeling that maybe this year will finally be the one where everything falls into place.
But this year feels different.
Usually, I am the person encouraging everybody else to look ahead positively. The one talking about fresh starts, growth, goals, and exciting things to come. Yet sitting here now, I do not feel filled with hope in the way I normally would. Instead, I feel tired. Mentally exhausted. And if I am being honest, a little heartbroken by the past two years.
Trying to Stay Positive Throughout the Pandemic
Throughout the pandemic, I tried incredibly hard to maintain a positive mindset.
Very early on, I reminded myself constantly how fortunate my husband and I were compared to many others. We both worked throughout everything because we are employed within healthcare. We had job security. We still had routine, purpose, and daily interaction with colleagues while so many people were isolated at home or facing financial uncertainty. I clung to that perspective because I genuinely knew we were lucky in many ways.
But I think constantly reminding myself that others had it worse stopped me from fully acknowledging how difficult it was for me too. Because the truth is, even when you are fortunate in certain ways, living through a global pandemic is still incredibly hard. And honestly, I think I spent a long time suppressing that reality rather than allowing myself to properly feel it.
Feeling Like I Lost Years of My Life
One of the hardest things for me to process has been the overwhelming feeling of lost time.
I turned 27 this year, and there is a huge part of me that feels deeply sad about the years that have disappeared into lockdowns, restrictions, anxiety, and uncertainty. This stage of life should have been filled with spontaneity, nights out, weekends away, making memories, and living fully before eventually settling into the next chapter of adulthood.
Instead, it often feels like life has been paused indefinitely.
And while there have still been good moments throughout it all, quality time with my husband, the occasional weekend away with friends, slower evenings together at home, there is still a huge sense of grief for everything that never happened.
The Resolution That Aged Poorly
I vividly remember sitting with my friends on January 1st 2020 and declaring that the year ahead would finally be the year I got out more and truly started living in the moment.
Which, looking back now, feels almost comically unfortunate timing.
To this day, my friends still joke that I personally jinxed the entire world by making that resolution. And honestly, considering how the last two years have unfolded, I cannot entirely argue with them.
The Strain on Family Relationships
The pandemic did not just affect daily life. It magnified every existing crack in relationships too.
As I have mentioned before, I help care for my nan following the loss of my grandad several years ago. Since he passed away, family dynamics have not always been straightforward. Certain responsibilities naturally fell onto different people, and unfortunately not everybody stepped up equally. The pandemic only intensified those already strained relationships and made differing opinions even harder to navigate.
More than anything, though, what upset me most was watching loneliness affect older generations so deeply. People often talk about the physical risks of the pandemic, but not nearly enough about the emotional isolation many elderly people experienced throughout it all.
My Mental Health Reached Breaking Point
I have always been open about living with anxiety and OCD, but the second half of 2021 genuinely pushed me to my limits.
When news of COVID first emerged, I knew immediately that my mental health would struggle with the uncertainty of it all. And for a long time, I actually think I handled it fairly well considering the circumstances. At least outwardly.
But eventually, the constant fear, changing rules, restrictions, testing, uncertainty, and overwhelming news cycle started catching up with me. My anxiety reached a level I had never experienced before. Panic attacks became so intense they caused chest pain. There were mornings where getting out of bed felt genuinely impossible. Moments where it felt like there was no escape from the constant cycle of fear and overthinking.
And honestly, trying to develop healthy coping mechanisms becomes incredibly difficult when the world around you constantly keeps changing too.
Feeling Angry as Well as Exhausted
Alongside the sadness and anxiety, there is also anger.
Anger at the hypocrisy we have witnessed. Anger at sacrifices ordinary people made while those in positions of power appeared to operate under entirely different rules. Watching reports of parties and social gatherings within government while families missed funerals, birthdays, and final moments with loved ones felt genuinely devastating.
It created a level of bitterness and distrust that I think many people are still carrying quietly.
Learning I Cannot Keep Putting Life on Hold
One thing I have realised recently is that I cannot continue placing my entire life on pause waiting for “after the pandemic.”
Of course we will continue being careful. We always have been. But I also cannot completely deprive myself of precious time with the people I love most. I cannot lose more years hiding away entirely, especially when time itself feels more fragile than ever now.
The reality hit me particularly hard recently when one of my nieces became frightened after I picked her up at a family event because she barely recognised me anymore. And honestly, that broke my heart.
Final Thoughts
I hate ending the year sounding so negative because that is genuinely not who I usually am. But I also think there is value in being honest about how difficult this period has been emotionally for so many people.
Not every New Year arrives wrapped in optimism and motivation. Sometimes you enter a new year carrying exhaustion, grief, anger, anxiety, and uncertainty alongside hope. And I think that is okay too.
So while I may not feel overwhelmingly hopeful heading into 2022, I am still holding onto the possibility that things can improve. That eventually life will feel lighter again. That we will find joy in ordinary things without fear attached to them.
And honestly? I think after everything we have all lived through, simply continuing to keep going is an achievement in itself.
Happy New Year, guys. Here’s hoping 2022 is gentler on all of us.
